Ukraine 1 Tunisia 0; Spain 1 Saudi Arabia 0; France 2 Togo 0; Switzerland 2 Korea Republic 0

Sleepers,

Good morning. It's 9:21AM and I'm writing this mail. It's awful that I failed to do it last night, but besides the previous comment being a sexual innuendo, I had to sleep. I know you don’t want to hear my sob story, but really, you should. It’s been 13 days, since I slept before 3AM. Yes, I do understand that Anup sleeps at 7AM pretty much everyday and yes, he’s drunk most of the time. I understand that. But I’m old and feeble and can’t take my liquor. The body is slowly degenerating and after 13 days (did I mention that it’s 13 days) of nightly alcohol abuse and lack of sleep, I decided that it was time.

It was time for me to write this mail in the morning. You may think that this is poohoo and it ain’t all that and all that Utah. But my body simply gave in. After a night of drinking and partying with me friends of ex-Mitsu and after meeting this dude at a bus stop who was a really nice guy but he was also in jail at some point during his career as a bum (he did call himself a bum, fo’ real), it was time for me to sleep.

“So, fuck for brains, did you have any integrity left in your sallow yellow skin of yours to admit that you didn’t watch any of the matches yesterday?”

Well, I did watch the 2nd half of the France V Togo match, but more on that later. For the early afternoon match, I was outside under the grey sun of london, venting my frustration on the hapless Brazilian (later found out that he was French) on a brown grass pitch in Hyde Park, being laughed at by the restless Jamaicans for being Japanese (told them that I’m German, but I wasn’t too happy), and eating a good portion of shrimp fried rice made by a chef off duty.

T’was a good day.

Now, back to the football and don’t forget that pie.

Group H
Ukraine 1
Tunisia 0

The most important match of the group. Well, if you’re a Saudi royal and you are bank rolling your national squad, you might possibly slightly be more intrigued by the match on the other side, but other than that this match was it. At the beginning of this tournament, we decided that Sheva and co were the joint favourties to come out of this relatively weak group. Don’t know if Uki Uki Ukis heard this prediction, but their initial fall to the conquistadores seemed like a damien fort things to come. But the rest, as Michael Jackson once said, is my shitty album nobody bought.

Match looked quite dull with both teams not hitting the target. If Tunisia manage to do get a George Bush, they would be rocking the cradle with the rest of the fools, but if they didn’t, you know, you ‘re like a loser or something. The “na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, good bye” of Jaziri towards the bitter end of the 1st half was sapped all the good stuff out of the Tunisians (I’m glad that they’re leaving because I can’t think of any radical nicknames for these kids, really, all teams should be like Mehico). 10 men Tunisia had to endure a 45 minute powerplay by the Orange Revolution and you know what happens when you have that long to put one measly goal and celebrate with cheap bubbly at the end of the match?

The only goal came at the 71st minute, when a dodgy penalty call (video replay, anyone?) gave the Ukraines’s a dubious chance to go ahead. Obviously Sheva nails it softly but Chelsily and it’s party time.

The match itself seemed (yes, because I’m concluding all this from legal match reports and legal highlights) to be fought evenly and with much gusto from both sides. Shame that full match with full 11 sides could have produced something hotter, but the man who recently decided to bring back to the hottest prime minister back to the cabinet will be singing in the shower this morning.

What did you really expect from a team that drew against the 2nd worst team in the tournament?

Welcome to the sweet 16, Sheva.

Group H
Spain 1
Saudi Arabia 0

Consequence unrelated match of the day. Little Juan heads a beautiful cross from the Arsenal man with a Audrey on his right arm in Japanese.

All the cogs and levers are clickety click clicking for you, Spain. Is this going to be the tournament which will take you from being the “Spain, dude, they always let your shit down, man” to “Spain, they’re the bestest”? Are you going to make Nadia bounce up and down, side to side for many games to come?

We’ll see.

Oh, good by Saudi Arabia and Tunisia. Better luck next time.

It finished like this:

1. Spain 3 7 9
2. Ukraine 3 1 6
3. Tunisia 3 -3 1
4. Saudia Arabia 3 -5 1

Brackets looking like:

Germany V Sweden

Argentina V Mexico

England V Ecuador

Portugal V Holland

Italy V Australia

Winner G V Ukraine

Brazil V Ghana

Spain V Runner up G

Group G
France 2
Togo 0

Sorry Julien, but if I did say that I wanted France to qualify for the sweet 16, I’d be liar with a nice pair of balls. I wanted them to fail. I mean, come on. They had their time in the Phoenix and the average age of the team is higher than my steroid count. And I sort of liked the fact that numero dix came off as a sub towards the end of the match all looking dejected, sliced, and not really diced. The fact that he wasn’t going to play in this match, made the fall of les Bleus even more, might I say, French?

I’d like to get into the “If Korea wins and if France loses then...” portion to make it interesting, but I want to ruin all your Hawking delight by telling you how the goals ruled the match.

1st goal came in the 2nd half from the ex-Arsenal, soon to be playing in Serie B and voila, it was also his birthday. Kevin, send him a nice one. Having missed two sitters, he decided to ask another person to take the shot. Skipping and bopping to perhaps to Right said Fred, he sexily goes into the box and with a slight shimmy passes his responsibility to the old and crust filled Viera. He turns an blasts one top right net next to the camera and the les Bleus are in command.

2nd goal came from the real Arsenal man himself. Va Va Voom he goes and he does it for the 2nd time in deux matches. A neat flick on from the guy who scored first is brilliantly subdued by the SHHHHH. He turns and gives no chance for the Togolese goalie who for once goes the opposite direction to the ball and whose name is currently escaping me and I can’t be bothered to check.

Les Bleus better without Zidane? It’s hard to tell. Against a behemoth of a side in Togo, you should win with or without the balded geinus, but to my eyes they looked much smoother without him in the line up. Because of his lack of mobility, Zizou cannot be involved in a fast breaks, unless he’s initiating it. Without him, I saw the French breaking more efficiently and to my not so surprise, Henry hogging the ball creates more chances. It’s a tough call and we’ll see how they sex it up against...Spain.

Bon chance France and welcome to the sweet 16.

Togo, are you still there. The door is to your left.

Group G
Switzerland 2
Korea 0

It’s official. Arsenal is the best team in the world. I don’t know why I just said that but if these 4 matches were any indication of the genius of Wanker as well as the possibilities that lie ahead of the coming season, we’re pretty much screwed. Not really, but this has been an Arsenal day.

1st goal came bright and early for everyone, especially the ugliest goal keeper of the tournament. A fantasmagoria of a delivery was struck by the man who doesn’t sound remotely Swiss. Since everyone in Korea is slightly smaller than the Japs, the header by the Arsenal boy (I’m not making this up) is struck with such force that it goes into the net. He comes out of this header with a bloody nose, but the male species looks cool with blood on some part of our body. Chick dig it, but his face is the only face a mother can dig.

Koreans had their chances, but really at the level Korea is up against and the level they are currently at, the level of skill needed to level the match wasn’t there.

2nd one was wacky. A pass from some Swiss dude is gathered by Alexander the Frei. Flag goes up indicating that there was an offside. Frei shots anyway and the ball goes in and Swiss are throwing fondue bowls at one another in joy. But the referee ignores the offside and gives the goal to the Swiss. The replay did show that the pass from some Swiss dude was tampered by a left leg of some Korean and I really don’t know if that is offside or not. Must check later, but a strange goal and strange officiating.

So it’s official. None of the Asian teams made it to the sweet 16. None, zero, nada. I mean, it’s pathetic. Koreans seemed like they played with their intestines on their sleeves, the Saudis were useless and so were the Japanese. Iran didn’t and couldn’t showcase their Bundes talents. This could also mean that the available spots given to the Asian region could be reduced. Probably not, but at this level of football, it’s best to give the other slot to a European side. Really, we suck as a continent and someone better do something about this.

Fuck.

Congratulations Guy. It’s Swiss in the swiiiit 16 (you knew I was going to do that).

Korea? Go and gorge on that hot and spicy and delicious Kimchi. I’ll bring in the sushi.

The final group finished like so:

1. Switzerland 3 4 7
2. France 3 2 5
3. Korea Republic 3 -1 4
4. Togo 3 -5 0

The real battle starting like this:

Germany V Sweden

Argentina V Mexico

England V Ecuador

Portugal V Holland

Italy V Australia

Switzerland V Ukraine

Brazil V Ghana

Spain V France

Ryu’s “Welcome to the club, birthday boy” goal of the day. Has to be Patrick whom I respect and quite glad that we sold him for 12 million squids.

That’s it. No more 3 games or 4 games days. Maximum games played per day (MGPPD) will be 2. Thank god, I mean, dude, what the fuck?! This is where the contenders will face the pretending fakers and the boys will be separated from older boys and the hot totties will be really baring their boobs and ass (limited release for all Brazilian matches).

Today we bring you my country versus blond country for starters and later the blue hot favourites take on my favourite country to make fun of.

Watch it.