Germany 3 Ecuador 0; Poland 2 Costa Rica 1; Paraguay 2 T&T 0; Sweden 2 England 2

Working people,

As I have mentioned modestly last night, today is where the weak goes home crying to their aunt Reta and the strong continue their masochistic journey.

I just want to get the unimportant game out of the way:

Group A
Poland 2
Costa Rica 1

Who cares? Bosacki scores deuce and Gomez scores one.
Good bye Poland, see you in the EU in some distant future. Good bye Costa Rica. I’m sure we’ll see you in....we’ll see you somewhere.

Group A
Germany 3
Ecuador 0

The score doesn’t tell the story. Yeah, we scored 3, but this was against the viagra less Ecuadorian team who have taken out most of their studs and instead inserted some duds. Apparently Mr. “Don’t touch me, coz I’ll fuck you up good” Suarez’s main objective was to make the sweet 16 and they probably didn’t give a shit whether the next foe was fish and chips or their neighbour.

With Hail Merkel’s current major tournament form against reserve teams being absolutely miserable (loss to Czech Republic in Euro 2004 and Portugal in World Cup 2002), the armpit stains and hair were prevalent and visible within the German faithfuls. Since we haven’t got a clue who would be our next victim in the sweet 16, knowing that Golden Bombers popularity is at stake, and having to play this match in front of 74,000 at the Olympic stadium in Berlin (a beautiful stadium, I might add), all we had to do was win.

And in sweet socks on Birkenstocks fashion we did.

1st goal came from Mr. I score when it doesn’t count. The right footed left back goes a wee bit down the left and sends it to the man I think might be slightly older than my father. He crosses it whilst falling gracefully on the grass to no man on the other side. Acne boy appears relatively out of nowhere and skilfully yet ungracefully pulls it back for the top scorer of the tournament. He slings a stellar one into the net. One up, ho’s down.

You can hear the collective German sigh echoing in the stadium and the “dude, take as many goals as you want, I could give a shit” attitude of the Ecuadorians seemingly energized and at the same time relieved the Sauer Krauts of their typical German like stress. So, one of the most one-sided match of the tournament goes on without any protest from the 73,992 fans in the stadium.

2nd goal came from, surprise, surprise, the ex-Pole does it again. I may be wrong, but I’m probably correct in saying that he only scores in matches which means absolute shit. The trick he pulled in Saudi Arabia as well as this match. I have also heard that the last competitive victory against a top tier team in the world by Germany came 6 years ago in now defunct and money guzzling Wembley. If you want some gossip, he’s fallen out with his strike partner and a fellow ex-Pole. I’m sure it was something to do with who’s more Polish than the other. What else would they be bitching about?
Oh yes, the goal. A absolutely fantastically definitely superb chip from the 30 million ex-Eastern German cruises above two bright eyed Ecuadorians. I mean, you have to see how exquisite this pass was. This is equivalent to a John Stockton bounce pass rather than a J-will wrap around. The ex-Pole (the 1st one) traps it with his thigh, which subsequently dodges the befuddled Ecuadorian goalie and slot it calmly for a 2 nil.

3rd goal is what Klinsi was really waiting for. The 2nd ex-Pole opens his account with a rather sweet one. A fast break opportunity was seized by its thick neck by Zit face as he sends a decisive one down for the grandpa. He pushes himself with his walker and all and looks up to see the young ex-Pole bleary eyed and dying for some spot light time. Old Skool, flashes one across the box and Podolski slides in a la Andruw Jones and makes a sweet but difficult contact with the ball.

Finito.

So, are the Germans fo’ real? Well, that’s a bit premature. Our hobbies include beating up old people and children under the age of 4, but when we have to pick on kids our own size...let’s just say we haven’t had much success. If we progress in this tournament from our current position, we will probably meet the Argies in the quarters. I’m cringing.

The Group ended like this:

1. Germany 3 6 9
2. Ecuador 3 2 6
3. Poland 3 -2 3
4. Costa Rica 3 -6 0

*1st column is games played, 2nd column is goal difference, 3rd column is points (Win=3, Draw=1, Loss=0)

If you are a bracketologist, so far it looks like this

Germany V Runner up B

Winner C V Runner up D

Winner B V Ecuador

Winner D V Runner up C

Winner E V Runner up F

Winner G V Runner up H

Winner F V Runner up E

Winner H V Runner up G

Group B
Paraguay 2
T&T 0

These teams were already going home so really, who cares? Playing for pride? Whatever.
Sancho Pancho to score his first ever World Cup own goal, followed nicely by a goal by Jose Cuervo.
Good bye you two. Have a nice summer.

Group B
Sweden 2
England 2

If you haven not realized, I live in England. Which means that I tend to see English people in and out of my life. The English are perhaps the most cynical as well as pessimistic breed on earth. I opine that this has rooted from their pathetic performance in the World Cup. Every time they do well, they lose with Hollywood tragedy fashion and even if they are doing well, some calamity Jane events are around the corner. The country’s hobby is to gather as many chips their pale white shoulder. So with Roo Roo coming back and somehow everything clicking into its nice English tea party (albeit very slowly), the English were truly enjoying their often short lived summer. Perhaps this is the year they can actually claim that they are a champion of a sport that everyone cares (Trust me, no one cares about Rugby or Cricket outside of this grey island. Darts? Curling? We are talking about real sports here) about. I can hear feel the anger of Englishmen, “You fucking cunt, then what is a “real” sport in your fucking language? Pwoah, american football with them pads on?” I knew some village idiot will ask me that question and I’m going to answer this as gentle as I possibly can. The only world sport that matters is football, period. End of story. Not basketball, not baseball, not hockey, not american football, and definitely not NASCAR.

Before the beginning of this match, sexual harassment and co knew that they wanted to avoid us at all costs. Why? Because they are pansies and they can’t take admit that 5-1 was a fluke (I wish). Rather, tactically speaking, it is best to avoid the host nation all together until the semis or the final. So all the English had to do was to draw the match. Although the results is what they wanted, they paid for it dearly with the early exit by the ex-sub of Real going out with a twisted right knee. This team is cursed, I tell you.

1st goal came from the coming out party crasher and his name is Joe. I must admit that the only player who is really on the testicle is Joe Cole (yes, his brother is Ashley Cole and no, they come from two different mothers). A Mr. Posh free kick is pumped back into the box by Albert’s white cousin and soon to be sacked Chelsea man heads it which is then blocked by the blond goalie and headed straight out by a blond defender to Mr. Cole. The ball bounces once, bounces off his chest and he volleys a wicked arcing shot passed the helpless (and I really mean helpless) Isaksson.

You’d think they’ll be in control after this.

2nd goal came from a corner kick by Linderoth, not to be mistaken by an ex-Flyer. Alback skims the ball with is blond head and scores the 200th World Cup goal. Wow that’s a lot of goals. Scored tied at unos. Around this time, snoop dogg look alike is taken out with some mysterious injury. I’m sure he missed another drug test.

3rd goal came from Liverpool’s mighty diaper dandy of a skipper. Joe Joe English’s corner from the right is met far side by Gerrard. England momentarily explodes. 2-1.

4th goal came when you thought it’s time for a celebration pint. A ball flogged into the box from the left like an unwanted Brangelina’s child, dances on the pitch avoiding the wild swinging Campbell and finally reaches its destination at the ex-Celt’s foot. The softest of all goals in the world and the one that took all the joy out of the English.

The group finished like this:

1. England 3 3 7
2. Sweden 3 1 5
3. Paraguay 3 0 3
4. T&T 3 -4 1

*1st column is games played, 2nd column is goal difference, 3rd column is points (Win=3, Draw=1, Loss=0)

It’s bracketing like so:

Germany V Sweden

Winner C V Runner up D

England V Ecuador

Winner D V Runner up C

Winner E V Runner up F

Winner G V Runner up H

Winner F V Runner up E

Winner H V Runner up G

First of all, Sweden won’t go far. They’ve drawn the host and let’s just get ready to bid adieu to them this weekend.

And the English? I don’t know. All I can say is that if Potato head isn’t match fit, razor sharp, shagging a 60 year old prostitute, they got a chance in hell in advancing. As for the next round, they should beat the Ecuadorians, but the loss of their wee top scorer is much bigger than Prescott having an affair for the 52nd time this year. Why didn’t the horny Swede take more strikers than 3 strikers? (Waldo doesn’t count as he just doesn’t) Beats the fuck out of me. This rush of injuries may be the strip of jewel encrusted bandage that broke the Queen’s back. The cynicism and the pessimism will continue to rule this country with its flimsy fists for the unforeseen future. Great.

Ryu’s “You gonna let him play next year or what, Jose?” goal of the day. It looks flukey but the boy has proven over and over and over and mother fucking over that he can play. Man, Jose’s got a lot of unleashing to do after this tournament.

Tomorrow we sort of sex it up with the sexy trio and the salsa boys and the same time ayatollah towel heads meet up with Angola (thank god, they’re both leaving) and in the evening the group of death comes to a crescendo with the two names taking on used to be two names but will be two separate names and crème de la crème is a sexy duel with the orange taking on the sky blue.

Watch it.