Korea Republic 2 Togo 1; France 0 Switzerland 0; Brazil 1 Croatia 0

Boys of summer,

I think all of the matches today were to a certain degree, upsets. I guess you have to read on to find out why.
Actually they weren’t upsets of any sort. They were all unsatisfying. Like you pick up a girl at a club and she’s like so hot, but then you take her home and her bra was padded and her ass was padded, and she was 20 years older than your mom. That’s the level of satisfaction I got from these matches today.

By the way, thanks for all the positive feedbacks (one from DJ and not much more from the rest of you fools).

Group G
Korea Republic 2
Togo 1

Asian pride or just pure luck. As I have written earlier about the impotent nature of the Asian squad at this year’s world cup (Iran, Sushi Land, Kimchi Land, and Mohammed land), I bet many were surprised with the result. The problem is that the score does not tell the actual story, except for the fact that korea won 2-1.

Korea Republic (or I like to call it just Korea, as that is how you say it in Japanese), has been a consistent attendee at the World Cup since 1954. They have so far appeared 6 mother fucker of times, 3 more than Japan and 5 more than Togo. Under the fucker who beat us silly yesterday, they have managed to bump Italy to reach the semi final in 2002. Although blatantly, positively, and criminally offside, they reached the semi-final because the Korean Football Federation have promised Sepp Blatter that he will get as much Kimchi and Korean bbq when he visits Seoul next time. Although this may not be a true story, Italy was robbed and raped by the FIFA sponsored Koreans.

I’m not here to criticize the Koreans because I’m jealous of their passion and doggedness. Japanese were dogged and passionate when they had to rebuild their country after WWII, but since then the future generations have earned to become more westernized and subsequently lost what made Japan so great.

As Iran had 3 Bundesliga players in their squad, Korea has 2 in the premiership. One is the slitty eyed and often dymanic import from PSV and Mr. Park Ji-Sung does his part time damage at Old Trafford. The other is the thick legged R Carlos wannabe and Mr. Lee Young-Pyo hangs out at White Hart Lane on weekends. By comparison, Japan has Nakamura who plays for Celtic (Scottish Premier League, that is) and Nakata hid away from cameras at Bolton as a loan this past season.

But we must not forget the dude who got the sack after sending Italy to an early grave 4 years ago. Ahn Jung-Hwan or I most often like to call him as “Ahn Ahn”, made sure that he will never step foot into the boot shaped country as what he did to Italy that year was only punishable by death (or stoning, but I just prefer plain old death). Ahn Ahn (actually, I have never called him that way, but sounds slightly more erotic than his original name) struck in the golden time to turn Totti’s hair grey and his draconian act was punished with an immediate sack by his then owner, the Perugian president of Serie A. Although I still think he’s got the face to be the next “Yon Sama” in Japan, it’s probably better he keeps his talent on the pitch.

Well, let’s see what happenend:

1st goal came from the virgin of the world cup, the togos (or togans or togolese or togosos). As I have mentioned earlier, the black athletes have got that extra muscle that honkeys and slitty eyed people don’t have. It showed as K Mohammed split two Kimchis near the half way line. But the way he split the Koreans was with pure explosiveness. What Mohammed did was to bounce the oncoming ball with his thigh, but what happened after the ball hit his thigh is what black people can do and the others can’t. It’s the extra explosion and as the mtba is well aware of the “first step” phenomenon, this concept also exists in football (soccer, if you are dosing off). Once he had the separation from the defense, he had enough time to look up at the Korean goalie (the ugliest man alive, I tell you) and rifle a well placed shot cross court into the virigin net. First ever goal for the Togos. Congrautlations and I’m sorry this didn’t last that long.

2nd one came when Man-U’s bit player was “you ain’t going nowhere, ho’”ed by Abalo. Abalo has already been slapped by the yellow (no Asian refernce here) earlier on for a foul he did not commit. But I guess life isn’t fair. 2 yellows = 1 red = early shower and a crack pipe in the loo. Abalo was gone and C Lee (not to be mistaken with Chris Lee from HKIS) belted the subsequent free kick into the Tongonian goal. What a shame as the idiot Tongolese goalie faked himself out and although he had enough time to save the lame ass kick by Chris Lee, the ball was merciless. Reduced to 10 men and with the man who scored the most goals in the African qualification (13) not really doing what he should be doing (scoring goals), Togo limped back to the centre circle only to face the rest of the half with 10 boys. By the way, Lee desperately needs a hair cut.

3rd one came from the hero’s anti-hero. Korea dominating possession, does a criss cross move at the top of the box. With the front of his trousers in the back and vice versa, Ahn sensationally sends the ball passed the air graspoing Tonguese goalie. This then marked the 1st ever win by Korea outside of their own soil.

Although this match would have could have but not should have gone either way, the grit and the willingness to attack (and a bit of luck, ofcourse) made the Koreans go to the top of their group?

Group G
France 0
Switzerland 0

I was at my friend Jackson’s house for this match. It rained like a mother fucker when I left for his place and by the time I got there, I was soaking wet. This meant that I was (mom, please don’t read any further) in my underwear and T-shirt watching this match. How scandalous. Philippe, after getting slightly confused with the directions and what not, arrived after the French did nothing. Both Philippe and Jackson are French. Both have not seen the French score for the past 270 minutes. Both think Desailly commentating is the funniest thing since sliced croissant.

France is ailing. With ZZ top coming back from retirement, only because his dead brother forced him to and Thuram and Makele also coming out of their hyper million reitirement homes, they needed to win this match. The nightmare that was the 2002 world cup will never be forgotten by the allez les bleus as they failed to score a single goal in 3 matches. That’s equivalent to being shut out 3 games in a row and your wife taking the kids away to some Ahmish community in Pennsylvania. With the current system still relying on Zizou to create miracles on almost every play, the french were on their hands and cheese and wine.

If god was white, he would be...a normal god, but if we needed two white gods, the other one will be Zinedine Zidane. His genius was evident throughout the entire match, but not being able to run (detrimental when you are playing a sport where moving at speed slightly faster than 1km/hour is absolutely necessary) made him look at times sad as if his body will not sing with his brilliant mind.

Guy will kill me if I don’t say something about his swiss miss. That won’t be his wife, but the national swiss team is actually quite good. I would be lying that they didn’t have a chance in burning fondu hell if I said that they didn’t have their chance. Actually, they had the best chance in the match when Fry (or something close to that) hit the post. My boy Senderor plays for the swiss miss national team and I would never ever want to see him in a dark alley in the middle of the night. As for the rest, Mr. “Sir, yes sir. Mr. Ivanov, sir” the ref was handing out yellow cards like a japanese businessmen at a “Kyaba Kura”.

That’s really it. France surviving this group? NO FUCKING WAY. Henry ever scoring for france? Maybe if he changed his name to “Henry Thierry”. Switzerland making something other than fondu in the evening? I would sure hope so.

Group F
Brazil 1
Croatia 0

Yup, you read that right. The mighty joga bonitos from Nike town have only managed to score 1 measly goal. “But Ryu, you piece of trash talking hippie hater, I’m sure they had an England V Paraguay type of match?” Sort of, but my credit really goes to the Croatians and their stifling d-fence a la detroit pistons style kept the yellow galacticos for much of the match. If the Croatian strikers had invested in contact lenses (yes, I’m talking about you, Prso), they may have taken home a victory. This match with all its hype and what not was a boring one as Brazil didn’t joga bonito it, rather joga malo’ed it.

When I returned to my chalet in the depth of Stoken Newingon, my flatmate Charlie said that he fancied Ronaldo... I mean, he told me that fatty has become more fatty. One can say that he has chunktified himself beyond all human recognition. Someone said couple of weeks ago that Ronaldo has become bigger and not fatter. I can now settle this “fat VS big” argument by looking at Ronaldo. Okay, he’s fat. He’s gotten so big that he can barely run and run out of breath. I got fatter, but hey, I can still run. I think I might be able to beat Ronaldo. No really, I can.

So did the super-mega-galactico-united which consists of fatty, bucky, posh white, “Confederation Cup” top scorer, thunder thighs, and “how old are you, really?” live up to their billing? Not really. They looked like they wanted to play it “brazillian” but never managed to produce anything worth a sports center (yes, albert it’s “sportscenter”) highlights. They sort of seemed out of sync. Having seen Argentina and...checked out the highlights on the orange army and the azurri army, am I the only one to think that perhaps the canary yellows are overrated?

1st and only goal came from a slick left footed shot from the only individual to not grow up in the slums. It was good, but not superb. This also came right before the 1st half slammed its doors shut.

As for the Croats, their wasted opportunities were...wasted and they could have done much better for themselves by actually not kicking the balls straight do Dida. They were effective, but uneventful, sort of like going for the usual at starbucks (ie café late) and not risking it by going mocha frappucino with buckweed and ginseng extracts. Their record of 1 goal conceded in all of their world cup qualifiers was no joke as bucky and co were bamboozled by the red/white checker defence. And people think Japan can beat this team? You must be fucking joking.

Ryu’s “I guess he can take it today” goal of the day goes to Ahn Ahn of Korea. His strike was good, but not great, but it meant a lot more for the people of Kore. I hope...

Tomorrow brings together the last batch of the 1st set of matches with “Ole!” taking on the country who sold their national treasure to the oil devil incarnate, followed by tatooine and muhammed land, nicely capped with round 2 of group A...and this has got a little bit of a holocaust touch to it. Could be a political thriller.

Watch it.