Ecuador 3 Costa Rica 0; England 2 T&T 0; Sweden 1 Paraguay 0

Ladies and gents,

I thought I start off with that since there may possibly be a female reader out there. Perhaps there aren't that many women football followers (or by god, football players), but you can never be sure.

Slightly drunk, so is my friend who is still here (yes, Spencer, that's you), my flatmate Charlie is a little bit and his girlfriend Sue is getting there. Before I collapse, let's go to the matches, shall we?

Group A
Ecuador 3
Costa Rica 0

My day started out slightly the same time as always. Its a new flat and all my effort (or shall I say my flatmates' and my friend's efforts) have gone in to block me from strong light sources. We have so far blocked the sky light and the open space in the balcony. Today was to be the icing on the cake, nail in the coffee, last pint at 11pm at a local pub. By 10AM I was summoned by my flatmate as I needed to put up my curtain which was to become my door. My room is weirdly placed and what not, but it's not interesting enough to get into it here.

This is a good chance to get into the significance of Ms Kate Rance in my life. I met her for the first time when I joined Mitsu Mitsu 5 years ago. Although there were numerous rumours within the bar-coded Japanese salary men that the two of us were constantly riding into the sunset and doing the nasty on the president's desk after 6PM. The rumours were unfounded (wink, wink) and we have told each other that we don't like each other that way and that was that. I know, how boring. Although she is English to an E, she is the woman that I can't live without, as without her I am at least three quarters of a man. She is my business partner (check out www.wedhost.co.uk and yes, it's my blog and I am allowed to advertise), a great friend/listener, and if I ever had to get a PA, I might have to clone her. Whenever I need anything, she is always there to remind me that I am a worthless piece of shit and help me anyway.

"Kate, I can't find Wembley on the map. Kate I cut my finger and the blood is not stopping. Kate my girlfriend is being a whore and I don't know what to do. Kate can you make my tea? Kate I don't know how to do this. Kate please, just help me."

So, it's natural that Kate was helping me put my curtain up. After minutes of me watching her do her magic and her doing all the magic, we were done. There was one thing that needed to be done. Apparently there is this thing called an "interface" which allows half wits like me to hem curtains. First you need to create a line on the curtain and you need to insert the "interface" and then you need to press it with a hot iron through a wet tea cloth. I told Kate that this is not a man's job, to which she replied, "I'm not doing it for you." Shamed and ashamed, I was down on my knees interfacing my own god damn curtains. Kate coerced me into having my picture taken in this submissive pose and since it is the world cup, a ball was added as a football effect. This also is a woman who admitted that she sneaked a handful of Germany V Poland match yesterday and you have to realize that her boyfriend was weirdly surprised.

All hail to the mighty Kate.

I did not hem all day long and Ecuador, the somewhat surprise winner of their first match against Poland, had the Rican Ricans to deal with. The match, as were all matches today was a boring one. The Ecuadorian attack did not have the "oomph" that it needed to beat the Ricans into submission, instead they took their sweet ass time to finish them off. It was very similar to a cat which incapacitates the mouse to start with (8th minute), enjoys as the mouse tries to get away with three broken legs (Delgado 54th minute), and decapitates it when it had enough fun (Kaviedes 90th minute).

There is a massive and I mean massive gap between the Ricans and the rest of the team in this group. They are meant to be the whore of the group. "Please beat me, screw me, buckin' bronco me." Its awful to watch as this is the 2nd time I have seen them since Italia 90, but this is the World Cup. Memories are nice, but the results are everything.

1st goal came from a cross which was steered strongly and accurately by Tenorio. It's a goal and it gave the people of Ecuador something to be happy about around 8AM in the morning.

2nd goal was a one two three four with Delgado and who appears to be Kaviedes. You know at this point that the rican defence is softer than dj's buttocks in the morning.

3rd goal came at a time where ricans were desperate to get a consolation goal so that the 4 rican fans who were there to witness their country get murdered once again can tell their grand children that they did see their national team score one measly goal. Kaviedes, who terrorised the rican goal all day long (when he wanted to), gathers a cross from the right from Mendes to slot home the "You know who your daddy is don't you?" goal for the Ecuadorians. He then mysteriously donned a spiderman/mexican wrestler mask in yellow, but took it off 23 seconds later.

This result means that obviously ricans are well out and Ecuador and Germany join hands and enter the sweet 16 of the tournament. Next week will decide whether Germany or Ecuador will finish 1st or 2nd in this group.

Group B
England 2
T&T 0

I'm still not impressed with England. The final score is not an indication of the actual flow of the match and the queen must have shit in her pants at least twice in the last 20 minutes. England started this match as if they had too much time dimsum before the match. Sluggish and lazy, long balls were delivered to Robo pop and as he posted up, he was then required to dish it to the little man with a weird head as well as to the pair of 20 goal boys in the midfield. If all the matches went according to Championship Manager Lermin style, we will all be smoking the fat one (not that one) after every match, sniggering at how great a tactician you are. Well, we all aren't KLM and Sven isn't anywhere near KLM. Long balls kept bouncing off Albert's long lost brother into which and every direction, the 20 goal pair decided not to go up field and instead hung out further back discussing which hot chick in the stand they were going to be shagging that night. As for Mr. Posham, he wasn't at his best. All he could muster was an occasional sultry look into the nearby camera and you know that look sent the Japanese ladies into a tizzy.

Have they forgotten their short game? Was the John Daly method of football, the right thing to do when you got a team capable of passing through the midfield towards the opposition goal? After the 1st half, there were lots of questions and few answers. Obviously the naughty swede being naughty as a swede with a porno staresque girlfriend can be, he opted for the card he probably didn't want to use.

Potato head was on standby since yesterday and the biggest news throughout this entire world cup campaign was whether ugly was going to play at all. "Rooney feels better after drinking bat blood" "Rooney shags Colleen and doesn't feel any better" "Rooney laughs at bad jokes and re-injures his foot".

Every single football news was all about the boy wonder. No wonder (no, pun, yes, no pun) as he is the next big thing and when he is up to speed and in full throttle mode, Archie's Outrun manoeuvre maybe the only one that is sexier. Hopefully, as he regains his fitness and England advances further into the tournament, you will be able to witness the next World Footballer of the Year.

I also just realized that Ronaldinho and Rooney shares a same trait:
They are both butt ugly.

So with the media egging the swede to put roo on and fans demanding roo because they paid 200 pounds for their shitty class B tickets, sonyericsson finally succumbed to the pressure.

In comes the man who shall take the St. George's cross to the top of mount doom and I can feel the entire nation smiling and pissing with fear and joy.

Must say that the inclusion of roo roo and lennon did change the game, as England decided that football indeed is a running person's game. With crisp passing and a renewed sense of urgency, England starts to carve up the midfield and there is a distinct scent of flow in the air. Lampard and gerrard starts to rifle away and crosses from deep within the T&T area are creating havoc in the box. All this happens not because of Rooney's skill or pace or anything physical he brings to the game, but it was as if the crowd has reacted to Roo's insertion into the game which in turn spurned the English to play a bit faster and crisper.

By the way, from what I saw today, potato head has got miles to go before he is back to his prime time.

As the nation ripped their remaining hairs off their scalp after a John Terry "I love you so much, but I hate Chelsea" recovery to save the Engs going one down, Crouchy was off the mark with a header he should have made because he's Kareem tall and the T&T defender is Avery small. He heads a perfectly manufactured Beckham cross into the back of the net, but the Robo dance is no more (he said he'll do it once England wins the cup, which means we will never see it. What a shame), but England finally is up.

2nd goal was a bit of a nice one as Gerard receives a pass on the right tip of the box. As he sends the poor T&T defender to Uzbekistan with a cute deke, he whips a ferocious shot with his left passed the outstretched goalie's hand. A bitchin' goal.

England gets their ticket to the sweet 16. There still is a lot of doubt surrounding this team, but with Rooney apparently healthy and Ericsson not losing much of his hair lately, England now at least got a chance to take the cup home.

Group B
Sweden 1
Paraguay 0

Boring match. Boring players, subpar play, and why I bothered to watch, I don't know. I think it's out of love for the game.

There was one defining moment during the game which was the John Terry'esque on the line save made by Caniza, after the happy go lucky Paraguayan goal keeper Bobadia gets taken to school without any homework by the nasty Alback the Swede's not so pretty lob.

Other than that, the supposed co-star of this group Sweden looks appealing, but plays like a toothless whore on 3rd Ave and 42nd street. Especially the duo of Larsson (finally old?) and Ibrahimovic (eternally overrated).

The only and the saving goal in the 89th minute came from my man CK underwear model as he heads a pinpoint weak-assed header into the goal from an Allback pass across the goal.

Yawn.

Things will be interesting next week as depending on how Group A comes out, England will either play to win or play to lose. Sweden? They best get at least a draw, otherwise they could kiss their sweet 16 ciao adios das vidana.

Ryu's "Robo" goal of the day. People say he's too lanky and you know what, people are right. After missing at least two and 3/4 chances, he plays it real by grabbing the goal which sent the nation in a moment of frenzy. Robo dance without Crouch is Crouch without his soul. Bring it back, baby, bring it back.

Tomorrow invites Hand of God army and Two Countries as an edible starter, followed up with a filling and gorgeous Orange boys taking on the best in Africa, followed up with a whatever match of Tacos and ... Angola (nothing witty to say with this country).

Watch it.