Switzerland 2 Togo 0; Ukraine 4 Saudi Arabia 0; Spain 3 Ukraine 1

Chaps,

This is the very last day of round 2 and some teams have bought themselves some lucky clovers and some had to cancel their hotel reservations. I spent most of the day at home and realized that I haven’t slept all that well since the cup started.

Enough bitching, let’s check out the matches.

Group G
Switzerland 2
Togo 0

Guy emailed me today to thank me for celebrating his joyous 30th birthday. Congratulations and welcome to the dark side of life. Having said that, he’s actually Swiss. He’s as Swiss as they come, but please don’t mix it up with where “I’ll be back” is from. He’s from California, silly. It is a swiss miss that Guy isn’t around to take in the atmosphere at his home country (although he is now allowed to become a governor of Maryland, but that’s another story), but the Swiss isn’t content on being neutral anymore as they have chosen to be on the winning side this afternoon.

Having successfully made a total fool out of their neighbour in the 1st match, they did not get the credit they desperately deserved. Superbly organized, it silenced the pedestrian attack by Zizou and the 98s. Once in the sweet 16, they will be one of those teams that other teams will likely avoid at all costs.

As Asian teams and African teams have proven once again, consistency is something like that PS3 you want to have in couple months time, but you have to settle with the now outdated Xbox 360. Togo, guided by their leader who is enigmatic enough to sack a national coach just can’t play with the level of organization compared to the prom kings and queens of South America and Europe.

Oh, Adebayor had a blatant penalty call waved off. As we are talking about consistency, there really isn’t one in terms of the criminal activities inside the box. There are so many shirts, trousers, and toupees being pulled, ripped, and chewed that it is amazing that FIFA has yet to experiment with any sort of instant replay a la NHL and NFL. People’s hopes and dry dreams are riding high and how dare FIFA allow this travesty to continue when perfectly good goals are disallowed, players are flagged off sides prematurely, diving is the new back pass, and uncertainty is the theme amongst the 4 referees on the pitch. Since there are no tv induced pauses in this sports of all sports, but I’m sure there has to be a way to at least judge if the ball has crossed over the goal line, for fuck’s sake.

If you haven’t heard or read, prior to this day there was a chance for Togo to become the first ever country to boycott a World Cup match. The row was over some measly (couple 100,000 pounds) worth of something called “money”, which the Togo players claim that they have yet to be “paid”. Their story so far is a running WWE as the original manager who led them to the cup was sacked because Adebayor thought he was too white. The 2nd guy comes along and this bonus fiasco happens. In defence for the players, these money shiznit should be dealt with way before your country starts the biggest global survival game known to men. Let those boys worry about football and please deal with your “money” stuff earlier, Ryu’s begging.

The 1st goal came from the man who should have scored in their 1st match. Barnetta skips down the left flank and flings a rather nice cross to Magnan who is single and horny on the other side of the goal. This mini cross is splashed by Frei, who is the distant cousin to the protagonist from Futurama. Beautiful goal, it was.

Come on. If that Senderos trip on Adebayor and a Senderos pull on Adebayor aren’t penalties and you can’t be man enough to say to your 3 other capable colleagues on the pitch that you were too busy checking out that hot Togolese mama on row G on the main stand, you best be ready for a Colombian in the near not so distant future.

2nd goal came at the dying seconds of the 2nd half from the sweet right foot of Barnetta. One of the fondue substitute comes galloping down towards the corner of the box and teasing the bonus defence with a fake left, sends an invitation to the speeding Barnetta on the other side. This is taken with enough power to almost make it into Sports Center play of the day.

Well, well, well. This then takes the mighty knife boys to the top of the group and although the “show me my money” boys are still mathematically in it, they better cancel that titty bar celebration next week.

Group H
Ukraine 4
Saudi Arabia 0

Another Asian team comfortably blasted away into smithereens. Ukraine who was pillaged by the conquistadors last week vented out their untapped frustration with a resounding win. Who said this was a one man army? Yeah, that’s right, it’s me and I still think the man who’s wife sold him to Chelsea for an extra cold 60 million dollares is the only world class homo sapiens in this team.

But I don’t want to say anything bad about Sheva because he is a true national hero. Although he did marry a page 3 model imported from the federal republic of America (and by god, she’s a looker and a half), he is a stand up dude and doesn’t have that level of ego shared with 98% of football millionaires. The way the crowd reacted to his goal as well as his substitution deep in the 2nd half, you’d think he single handedly defeated the Russians 15 years ago. He also showed to the crowd that when he’s on, he is the best striker in the world, period.

1st goal came just 3 minutes into the match. A superb right corner by Maximus Kalinichenko (what a cool name) is karate kicked Daniel san style into the net by Rusol, who sounds like a house cleaning product. Not sexy enough for me to write further so let’s just get going.

2nd goal came from the ex Spur/Hammer. Rebrov hits a curling ironer few metres outside of the box. To his credit it’s a nice one, but to his non-credit, the keeper slipped and he was also asleep. Ukraine 2 up.

At this juncture, you have to be a dedicated moron to think that Sheva wasn’t thinking about gate crashing this gig.

3rd goal came from the current Chelski, ex-Milanese. I personally think he looks more combative (and more USSR) with his new do, but let’s just let the goal do the talking. Another Kalinichenko spot kick from the left is struck hard and nice and with his head into the net.

4th goal came when the Muhammeds were busy trying their best not to get humiliated. 2-0 is still a defeat and 3-0 is a minor embarrassment. 4-0 will get you a fatwa. Sheva takes the ball from one of the Muhammed’s and starts his run on the right. As he approaches the Red Zone, he takes three Muhammeds with him on a date and rejects all of them by slipping a slippery one to the chugging and deserving Kalinichenko for an easy 1.

Unless they have a utter melt down next week, Yushchenko’s boys are in.

If the Ukraines can beat the Saudis by 4 goals and that Ukraine have been routed by Spain by 4 goals last week, how many goals will they score on the ex Africa Cup of Nations champ?

Read on to find out.

Group H
Spain 3
Tunisia 1

It was Nadia’s evening. Philippe’s girlfriend is half Syrian and half Spanish. What happens when you cross fire with fire? Answer: more fire. She is by far the most entertaining person to watch when Spain comes to the screen. Notice that I said watching her and not watching the match. The number of emotions she goes through per match can win her multiple Emmys. She sighed perfectly at half time, “I am probably more tired than the players”. So its quite interesting to see the calm and occasionally cool Philippe sitting next to a firebrand in Nadia.

1st goal came when I wasn’t there, but from the look on Nadia’s face, it wasn’t the one she wanted.
Jaziri stiff arms DJ’s wet dream and after letting himself inside the Spanish box (that sounds kinky), he dodges around 3 half assed tackles by the siestas. A smallish yet clever lob spots Mnari who blasts it to the youngest goalie ever to be capped so many so far. Iker blocks the shot brilliantly, but Mnari does what most great ice hockey forwards do. Mnari hits the rebound top shelf and Tunisia, to everyone’s surprise, is up.

By the end of the 1st half, Tunisia has retreated all their players inside their own and combined with the limp Spanish attack lacking in width as well as decisiveness, resulted in the stench of pessimism which drifted from two seats over to the right. Nadia leans over and asks, “What happens to us if we lose?”. With a look desperate for good news, I considered lying to her, but then she would have found out and she would have killed me. Brushing the sweat on my forehead, I gave her the semi-bad news and she seemed to have taken it okay as I am still here writing this mail. I assured her that she shouldn’t be worried and you only have to be worried when the clock ticks the 70’th mark.

So when the 2nd half substitutes Guapo, Arsenal’s boy wonder, and Joaquin started the reinvigorated assault on the Tunisian goal, I believed that time was the only thing separating Nadia’s “Espana!” chants from my multiple stabbed wounds by a broken sangria glass. As the 70th minute passed without the nation waking up from a siesta, I stated to get nervous. What if they don’t win? Worse yet, what if they don’t score? As fear gripped circulation and thoughts of who would write my eulogy crossed my mind, a man who was all but forgotten came to Espana’s (and my) rescue.

2nd goal was orchestrated by Joaquin who roamed down the right flank to send a ball to the man who desperately needed a haircut 4 years ago. He sends an undiesel shot to the goal and obviously the goalie bobbles it. Lord of the Ring does what all good forwards do. Like a flash (sing if you want to), Guapo is totally on the shit and celebration erupts to my right with Nadia’s hidden Spanish flag waving with abandon. Thank Jesus, Buddah, and Allah. Score tied 1-1.

3rd goal was a by product of the Tunisians, having lost the goal they really didn’t want to, had no other choice but to open things up. Cesc, who I think should be starting over Garcia or Alonso, sends a sweetest of through balls which releases the man who will be the top scorer of the tournament. Torres out manoeuvres the helpless goalie and finishes beautifully with a chip with his right. Flags are flying and Philippe and Nadia’s friend and the compadres in the back and the man with a smelly cigar dances to the flamenco. Game set and really match.

4th goal was a penalty won by Torres converted by Torres. Now he leads all scorer with 3 goals.

Welceme to the sweet 16, people of many small naps. Nadia, you better get your stamina up.
By the way, Philippe and I spotted those hated Kimchi Sticks used happily by the Spaniards. Why, oh why?

Ryu’s “Please, help me” goal of the day. El Guapo is back in the lime light with his wonder goal to save the armada.

Tomorrow we start the date with destiny portion of the cup. Ecuador takes on 1/8 of my team and at the same time 2nd worst team in the competition squares up with the celtic duo. As a night cap, we have the people of quito discussing politics with the Tobaguese, at the very same time the blond nation will be looking forward to extending their dominance over the rooney people.

Watch it.