Italy 1 Australia 0; Ukraine 0 Switzerland 0 (3-0) on penalties

Boring people,

Me, boring? Oh, no that was meant for you. Let me just get this off my chest. Although I’m secretly in love with Angelina, I’m actually having an affair with Claudia, but at the same time I’m also married to Keira. No, they’re not celebrities, rather Madagascar Long Arm Monkeys. Wow, that wasn’t funny.

I just finished watching 1 hour and 30 minutes (that’s 90 minutes for you math whores out there) of “World Cup Goals Galore.”

The description of this aptly named, producers wet hosiery is as follows:
Sit back and enjoy 90 solid minutes of World Cup goals, accompanied by a soundtrack featuring the coolest bands around. Hosted by Sean Lock. [S] Some strong language.

Aside from the strong language and not that cool bands as the BGM, there were total of 240 goals. That’s 2.6666666666667 goals per minute. No, I wasn’t that bored. Believe me, I’ve got life outside of the cup....no, not really, but I am trying. What I can admit is that both matches tonight were testicle crunchingly boring that I fell asleep in a pub for the first match and was happy to be cooking dinner at Taichi’s place for the second. The reason behind my insanity is that I needed some inspiration to write something interesting about this match, which is monkey sodomizingly difficult.

But we mustn’t forget that I’ve got two friends who are keen on the results, the frist one being Roberto the lost Italian, who always asks for directions every single time I’m at the bus stop and Serugie the violent who likes to hit me with a blunt object whenever I try to help Roberto.

If you have never seen where I currently trade my trade, you won’t be too surprised that these people probably do exist.

We must now go down on both knees and sing, “na na na na, na na na hey hey hey good bye” to Rick from Australia (half Pakistani, but he claims that his Aussies roots are true) and Guy from Switzerland who is a green card holder, but Swiss (just so you know, not the member of EU).

Two boys, two losses and two really really really realy boring games.

Sweet 16
Italy 1
Australia 0

Maybe there was an omen or two or another sequel in June 6, 2066. Albert, my secret closet conspicuous football lover sends me a text during the equally dull England V Ecuador match.
“Watching this really boring match?”
After I reply to this straightforward but bone chilling text message, he dutifully reconfirm his deepest and blackest feelings about this match with another text:
“So freaking boring”
I had no idea that Albert’s words and occasional sentences would resonate and crush all hopes for a good match the following day (which in case you’re not following is today, but not really as it’s already tomorrow so therefore it’s today). As he who shall not be named as his uncle and Endora as his step niece, Albert always had that misguided potential for evil sorcery. All hail to Chinky the Grey.

Thanks Charlie for taking my picture. He also wants to add that couple of minutes before last night’s England game, our top in-house football correspondent Kate was gingerly humming to “That’s the way I like it” and cooking her 4 inch thick beef steak with her vegetarian boyfriend. She suddenly rushes down to our tv room and shouts, “Is it okay that I turn the tele on for the football?” Although we did call an ambulance to treat Charlie’s brain aneurysm, which in no means was affected by Kate’s sudden burst of eager beaverness towards the football match, Charlies’ condition is serious yet stable.

If you substitute “in-house football correspondent” to “never watch football unless it’s an England match and I obviously don’t really fancy Michael Carrick as much as I fancy Sven” and “vegetarian boyfriend” to “Kate converted vegetarian boyfriend” and “brain aneurysm” to “severe confusion do to unexpected comments”, suddenly the entire episode is very different. Different and funny.

Italy seems to be clicking well in the first half. Hot attempts by Gilardino and Toni were stopped using the Schwartz by you know who. Aussies were also helped by the criminal finishing of those reatarded Italian ponies. At the end of the 1st half, you’d think that the party will get bumpin’ and the Kristen screaming for more hair on Totti’s scalp, but before this orgiastic hormonal explosion was to take place, Materazzi keeps the house clean by sweeping challenge which took out not one but two players, it didn’t help that he got feet instead of ball and the one set of feet was Bresciano (with name like that he should be Italian, but I’m sure he killed someone lately) and the other belonged to Cannavaro.

So the southern hemisphere convicts were keeping the ball and not hitting anything and at that point I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was the 94th minute and some Italian dude was dribbling towards the Socceroos goal (by the way, whomever came up with this fucking dumb name should choke to death with dog food made by roo meat) on the left flank. Later identified as Grosso, who probably was called Grosso by his friends and families when he was about 5, he unitalianly repels one tackle and once inside the box, he italianly dodges the second one from Neil and obviously rolls around as his kidneys were ripped to shreds inside his nostrils. Totti steps up and drills it home and the all the Walkabouts in central London were burnt to ashes. Thank you Italians.

Sorry Ricky. I’ll ease your pain by spanking your brown ass until you forget about this pain.

Italians don’t look all that. But with the next match being Ukraine or the mighty army knives, they’ve got it sorted. As for the inept pairing up front supported by Pirlo and Del Piero (they are surprisingly not related), I don’t know. I think Lippi reverting to the good ol’ days of catenaccio is a step backwards, but hey, they’re winning.

Sweet 16
Ukraine 0 (3-0 on penalties)
Switzerland 0

When I got home, I realized that I got an email from Guy. The subject was: AUSvITL. I had no idea what that meant until now, but when I saw it for the first time, it looked like some code. Immediately, I thought “Shit, he might be in trouble and maybe he’s asking for my help.” Although this sounded completely plausible, I was further convoluted by the message itself:
“What a garbage call for a penalty in injury time!!! I guess FIFA wants the Italians to move on. “
Guy
Now, I was really confused. What does this mean? A cryptic subject line, strange message when he perfectly knew that his country had lost. Did he lose his mind? Am I not reading between the lines? Are the Khazakstani mobs trying to hit him again? Although I have not taken the initiative to reply to this email at this very moment and after deciphering the subject line, I was still bemused that he hadn’t written anything about his team’s performance. But I can totally understand why.

The ball was never in the last third of the field. Almost all the plays ended in the middle third as both teams were playing not to lose. There is Frei up front supported by 4 Ukrainian defence personnel and on the opposite end Sheva is dancing some cowbell dance with 5 Swiss army neutralizing defence. Since both sides though that people paid money to see their teams win and not to be entertained, the game just went on and on and on and on. Most chances were created from set pieces, but the finish was poorer than me when I started freelancing. With neither teams committing more than their star strikers up front, any attempt to create any resemblance to an offence befuddled into a heap of yellow and blue/red and white trash.

So with 90 minutes ticked off and another 30 ticked off, we were in the first penalty shoot outs of the tournament. It had to get exciting. But with the Swiss accuracy being true even in the supposedly exciting shootout, they manage to keep their consistency and puked the first 3 attempts, thus gifting the victory to the Ukrainians before the 5th kick.

I’ve now ranked the boringest matches of the tournament thus far. 5th, 4th, 3rd, and 2nd are all England matches and you can swap them in any order if you like. But summer’s top hit for the most stupendously boringest match of the tournament goes to this match.

Sorry Guy. If you want your spanking, you have to wait till August.

As for Sheva’s team, I find them boring. A better team will pry them open and gut them senselessly.

Bracket (forgot yeseterday), looking like this:

Germany V Argentina

England V Portugal

Italy V Ukraine

Brazil V Ghana

Spain V France

Ryu’s “Have you ever done this before” moments of the day. The unrelenting misses by the Swiss penalty takers. I know you have an impeccable record of goals against (0), but you don’t have to do the same on the other end.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day with Nike pitted against the Black Stars, followed by Philippe against Nadia.

Watch it.