England 1 Ecuador 0; Portugal 1 Holland 0

To justice for all,

At some point in our lives, we wonder. We wonder why the sky is blue and greasy food cures hangovers. We also wonder why men are willing to give up their lives for a cause that they may not really be interested in. We wonder why we have such difficulties admitting to ourselves that we are not perfect.

Herein lies the problem. With record number of yellow cards and dismissals in this tournament thus far, the beautiful game is painted in yellow and red. Even with swoosh campaign in full swing, we still are seeing cheaters in every corner of the pitch and pitifully, they are left unpunished. If we had the referees in the world cup officiating the “real” world, we would all be sleeping with the enemy. Isn’t it obvious that something needs to be done so that the sinners are punished without prejudice?

Purists will argue that there is not a place for technology in this game. Yes, if we were all playing the way you lot played in the 70’s, that dude with no legs in the corner can rule the green. Do you not see that the players of the 21st century are faster, stronger, and will do anything to take advantage of the human referee? 2 lines men and 1 referee. That’s 6 eyes. Of which 2 can overrule the 4. 2 eyes. 2 measly human eyes. I don’t get it. How can you possibly spot all the fouls in the box, outside the box, near the touchline, off the centre circle, fucking everywhere? On the other hand I see them all the time. I see these acts of cowardice even if the refs don't see it. Blatter and Dubya best of friend? Quite possibly so.

So, why be a technology hata’? Are all refs technophobes? All of them got some fancy buy one get 4 free cordless walkie talkies, I’m sure they can handle a bit of a watch that shows the instant replays from every conceivable angle on his wrist watch? Then they can all check create their “best totties in the 2nd half” list as well as replaying the shit they missed. And why the fuck not. Why don’t they insert a sensor into the ball so we know if the ball crossed the line? I mean, come on, let’s just fucking get real here. We’re trying to put together a robot team to beat a human team by like year 2050 and us humans don’t want to use technology to officiate the game? You have to be goddamn fucking kidding me.

As my Powerbook G4 and Charlie who’s sitting and watching “Police Camera Action” as my witnesses, I declare that with 3 brain cells and some tech geeks, we will all be watching the true age of joga bonito techno version 1.2 soon. Hopefully soon...

If someone asks me that I would have to eat Blatter for breakfast so that we can start the geek revolution in football, I’ll do it in a heart skip. Yes, and you as my brothers will have to come and eat with me. Come on, it’s yum yum for a good cause.

Sweet 16
England 1
Ecuador

All England matches are boring. Its a fact and it’s not a statement. They are so boring that I was forced by my ideal football side of my brain to sleep most of the 2nd half. They are so boring that even after potato head decided that it’s worth risking his professional career to play for the St. George’s Cross, the remaining 10 players stick to their boring ways. Yes DJ, I agree that J Cole is finicky and spectacular and haircut is an inspiration to all 4-12 year council estate inhabitants out there, but he can’t pull it off all the time. This lacklustre, lifeless, english breakfast like performance must be ripping the gizzards of all them Engerland supporters out there and in here.

So Sven and company decided that to surprise their beloved supporters with a class performance will be un-Swedish. So the long ball continues unabated and over and over and over and over and over the ball goes to Roo (not me, give me a bit more credit here) he takes it and whips it to the rest of the boring Englanders.

1st goal came when the boredom was at its peak. Becks, with Mrs. Becks looking down from the ex-unsuccessful portion of the stands and her vision partially obscured by the two obscenely round objects, steps up for the only thing he does absolutely best in the world. No, it’s not making boys, but it’s doubly strange that this man has not brewed the strange Beck’s special in over 4 years. That’s more than 3 years. Anyhow, the ball is set like 30 some yards out and he aims and he fires with grace that can only come from a father of 3. His bender chose not to blend in with the wall but instead goes over it and at the last moment sinks like a SFF. The beauty of it all is that since the ball is going over the wall, the only place left for the ball to snuggle was the absolute left lower corner and the captain bollocks does it again.

Yeah yeah yeah, Ecuador had their chance in the 1st half which came from Terry’s dodgey header which was cuddled sweetly by Carlos Tenario and as he was about to take his shot, from absolutely nowhere comes the Chris Rock and the little bit blocked shot goes a little bit high and hits the bar. That’s pretty much it.

Really, I have got nothing to say, but if this side wins the cup, it will be as unsexy as the Greeks eating their souvlakis 2 years ago.

Let’s see which hottie gets to date this ugly duckling in the elite 8.

Sweet 16
Portugal 1
Holland 0

Perhaps the matchup of the sweet 16. The prospect of a revenge must be so sweet and sour pork for the Dutch pancakes as the memory of Maniche’s stupendous goal in Euro 2002 have haunted them at least 3 times for the past 2 years. For the Red and Green, they want to book their ticket to the elite 8 for the 1st time in 40 years. That’s 10 years more than Kevin, I mean 9 years more.

But the protagonist of this dream combo decided that he wanted this match deserved to be smeared with his excrement of an ego. It was shat on, dismembered with a pizza cutter, doused in sesame oil, and cooked slowly over 90 minutes and when the number of players were reduced to his liking, dumped the content into his greedy arsehole.

Ladies and gentle small people, please welcome half drunk, quarter out of control, quarter definitely Russian, the one and the perhaps there are many others out there, the only man to disintegrate 4 men in a matter of 5400 seconds, give it up for the cure of all good, Ivanov the Terrible and the blind.

Doesn’t matter that Maniche scored a good goal to rev up the engine of this classic match up. Doesn’t matter that Ruud was getting some Ruud treatment from his young boss, who could definitely get some if he wore something more to show a bit more tenderness. Doesn’t matter that C Fatty will not make the elite 8. Nothing matter more than Ivan taking centre stage and making this match his piece de resistance. It’s title can only be: 16 yellows 4 red.

1st sending off came just before the end of the half. With no fouls hard enough for Ivanov, he’s looking for his first victim. With Constinha already on the book with a silly tackle from behind, Ivanov senses his opportunity. Costinha’s lazy defence ends up being really lazy as his strange dance routine is interrupted when his hand hits the ball. It is intentional and Ivanov did not miss this platinum opportunity. His knobby hands dives right into the pocket and out comes the yellow one. With movement a master cock nugget will practice on a daily basis, in a flash we’re seeing red. He’s just warming up, lads.

2nd sending off took some time, but you know the Russian hates disappointing the 41,000 at the match. Moments earlier, Figo had successfully imprinted his forehead into van Bommel’s a face only his immediate family can love. Moments later, he’s at it again and this time it’s a Emmy award winning dive invited by Boulahrouz. No, man, no. You know my man Ivanov doesn’t miss shit like that. The moment we all have been waiting for. It’s the 2nd yellow for the Dutch defender and he’s off to play fo fish with Costinha.

3rd sending off was a beauty. I know I’ll be telling my great grand children about this one. Deco goes concord on Hettinga’s ass and he gets bummed instead. After this silly show of affection, he is refusing to let go off his balls. I mean the ball. Ivanov comes running, cheeks red and filled with blood. Oh, he’s so adorable as his right hand goes up for the 3rd time and we are coming to expect him to be a prime time playa’. Off goes Deco and the boys can now form a trio. I shall christen them as the “Sent Offs”. They’ll make their millions with their number one single, “Say it ain’t me, ref.” Yes, I’m allowed to fantasize in my own mail.

4th sending off immortalized the titanic performance by Ivanov. Clock is ticking ever so quickly, but the action on the pitch is a crawling babe. He knows he’s one sending off away from the world record. His palm is damp with nerves and his forehead showing signs of feigned fatigue. It’s so close, but so far. Then he sees it. The longest stoppage time in history (6) is gracefully ended by the most minor of infractions. Van Bronckhorst is seeing a conceded free kick, but Ivanov is seeing red and it’s definitely not a Ferrari. His face screwed and contorted in joy as he victoriously faces the latest member of the “Sent Offs.” His joy is oozing out of his clogged pores and the record is completed. The 4th red is there and the crowd cheers with deafening boos. History is born and we hate it.

Portugal’s did book their place in the elite 8 and they will be bringing back the clock one more time as the two have met in Euro 2004 and obviously England lost. A team devoid of Deco, Ronaldo, and in the worst case Figo (FIFA is reviewing his rather unconventional sweat wiping technique on van Bommel) isn’t what we want to see, but for all the Engerland Engerland Engerland fans out there, it’s Christmas and Easter and Ramadan coming together as one.

What a shame.

Ryu’s “Have we really lost it?” incident of the day. Ivanov should die.

Tomorrow we bring you the the boot duking it out with the Roos (not many potatoes) and Guy takes on the best Princess Leia impersonator as a prime minister ever.

Watch it.