Finals Part 1

To the end of summer boys and girls,

It’s all over but the crying. But before we bust out the anti-frog sentiments out here, I just want to give a shout out to all the peeps who have been reading this religiously (albeit during their office hours and even if you get busted for it, it’s not really my problem)

Obviously the MTBA, Julien, Philippe, Stacie, Marlene, Renata, Guy, Ben, Erich, Suzue, Adam, Asako Some person in Holland, Cristina, and some other people in the UK.

If I for some ridiculous reason forgot your name, it’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but it’s because I don’t have a good memory. If you are so enraged that you are not included on my “I love you” list, please write to me and I shall amend it.

So, I should actually start out with what happened day before yesterday. Yes Albert, you were probably drinking your already emaciated body away, but my country was playing with a bit more mission than Cristina’s team.

“What’s happening cock face? Why this sudden change of mind after you have been gutting that this 3rd/4th biz is all bull shit and no meat?”

I don’t really understand what the fuck you want to say, but the fact that my country won has nothing to do with me wanting to do the match report on that. Objectivity is the holy grail of truth and blah blah blah.

Of course you fucker. If we didn’t win, I’d go straight to the final.

3rd/4th Place
Germany 3
Portugal 1

Under the bright and starry skies of Stuttgart, we came to make sure we will have a bit more of that summer of ‘06 to enjoy. Although I was slightly more busy doing the drinking with my friends Ken and Hirai Ken, we sat down to watch the latter stages of the 1st half and obviously I was yawning.
By all means, if Hirai Ken’s house didn’t come with a television and if he wasn’t kind enough to let us watch it, I wouldn’t have been bothered at all.

Really, that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me Sebastian.

1st goal came when I was just about being asked to have my drink freshened by the ever so host like Hirai Ken. Hopefully he will be reading this, but from the way he looks and the way he is around the ladies, you can never expect him to be such an attentive and fantastic host of a party. But now that I think about it, if he looks the way he looks and hosts the way he hosts, putting 2 and 4443 together, I do come up with 4445, which means that he’s the killer with the ladies. Anyhow, back to the goal.

I have developed this 6th sense of knowing almost all the time when a goal is being scored. If someone sends a ball towards the left channel and you know he’s not gonna reach it, I won’t get that exciting. But none football people around me will be going mad (especially the women, the women I tell you) and will be randomly screaming one of their favourite player’s name (he must be a sugar drizzling lollypop for your eyes) and perhaps simultaneously having a seizure like symptoms but more pleasurable. Now that I have lost the minimum amount of female support on this thing, let’s really move onto the goal. It was a crack from Zit face, who was inexplicably omitted from the semi final match in favour of that dude who really should be ballin’. Strange but true, but if your current national hero of the month is cracking the world cup magic wand, you don’t question him. Bastian, perhaps was a bit bored of not scoring and decided to unleash his right foot, which for some odd reason struck a ball which he was dribbling, which at the end swerved the other way Ricardo decided to go and which in turn burn the net for his first of the tournament.

2nd goal came moments later when Simon was asking whether I wanted a piece of somethin’ somethin’. It wasn’t all that of somethin’ and the resulting goal wasn’t all that somethin’. Zit boy takes a awesomely low free kick from the left (more like a shot, really) and goes through couple of dozy eyed Portuguese when Petit (not to be mistaken with the pony tailed wielding Frenchman) decided the best thing to do was to kick it and see where it ends up. He did just that and you know it’s bad when you don’t know where you are kicking that round object made by Adidas. The ball goes in and Bastian’s zit pops from the glee.

3rd goal came when Hirai Ken did ask if I was okay. I dutifully said I was fine and realized later that he meant if I wanted another drink. I gave him my plastic cup and moments later the cup was full to the brimmin’. Good man, full of praise. Bastian, who was trying to equal the 1/10th of the number of zits with the number of goal for this evening, dribbles casually and cuts to the top of the box. With the lazy faire that is the Portuguese defending on a Saturday night in full swing, he just strikes it hard and not so lazy. The ball zooms past the defender and goes way beyond Ricardo giddy fingers and smashes to the right side netting. Bastian is covered in puss, but he is full of grace. For good measure, he takes his shirt off and we all went blind and he gets booked for it.

4th and final goal of that evening came from none other than Gomes. With Cristina constantly telling me that “Take Pauleta out and put Gomes” in and with the 2nd greatest ever to don the Portuguese uniform finally making amends with Big Phil, a superb CONSOLATION goal was created.
With the geriatric pair in Khan and Nowotny doing their job admirably whilst saving blistering drives by Pauleta and Ronaldo, the semi disgruntled Figo launches a teasing yet excruciating cross right into the soul of the Bundes defence. Gomes, who really look like he was flying and came from absolutely nowhere, dives for the cross and hits it square. Nothing Khan can do and we have got a brilliant 1st ever FIFA World Cup 2006 diving header. The Gillardino one is an offside.

The end of the road for Figo, Ballack, Khan and some other Frings players (get it?). I’m sure they’ll get a book deal somewhere and won’t be bitching about how they need to be feeding their kids. At least we finish on a high and am looking forward to the team in 2006. As for the Portuguese, they have got the manager, now they desperately need the next generation to raise the game.

Next part will bring you the tried and tested and shit hot (not really) final of the FIFA World Cup 2006 in Germany.

Or just the Cup.